5 Things That’ll Make You Hate Your Kids

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Here are 5 basic things (throughout your child’s life) that you can do to ensure you grow to hate them. Since some contradict each other in parenting style, I suggest picking 2 complimentary suggestions and focusing your efforts. 


1. Make your baby a light sleeper.

As you put your infant down for their nap, make sure no one closes a door or flushes a toilet. No one may turn on the water or sneeze. No movies or music. No talking in proximity. This will condition your child to wake up when the wind blows, keeping your entire family chained to silence for many hours each day. And don’t even consider having another baby until this one stops taking naps. Kids are loud! 

2. Have other priorities when you’re watching your toddler.

When you’re with your toddler, try and achieve goals that have nothing to do with them. Work on your blog’s SEO, argue with your phone provider about your last bill, or read about obscure DOTA2 character builds. You will quickly get annoyed with your seedling as he/she competes for your attention. You won’t be able to get much done and you wont enjoy your time with your child. Anger, resentment and frustration will build.

3. Become their slave.

Parent is now synonymous with slave. Do everything your child wants, immediately. Fully negate your autonomy. Your child will see that you have 0 respect for yourself and grow up as though they are still in your womb, sucking you dry for resources. 

4. Have them be your only purpose in life.

This one is self explanatory but comes with advice. Once your children are old enough to escape your quivering, obsessive grasp, fill the emptiness of your time with a baby monkey. They never really grow up, so you’re safe. 

5. Try to control who they become.

Have a very specific idea of who your child should become. Not only regarding their career, but also in terms of personality and character. When they fail to meet your standards, denounce their very being. 


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